Solicitors

When I am at home with my family, it goes without saying that I want people to ring my doorbell and tell me to buy things from them. Because it would certainly never occur to me to go out to a store if there was something I needed or wanted. No, I need salespeople to come to me and use their tried-and-true tactics to tell me what I need and why I have to buy it right now (before I have time to research a cheaper way to obtain it or before I realize I don’t actually need it at all).

Two salesmen are immortalized in my memory. Actually, these are the only two salesmen that have gotten into my house. The first of the two was the first salesman to come by after Rob and I moved here, and he taught us quite well that we never wanted a salesman in our house again.

He used all sorts of tactics to get us to buy a $5000 water softener. He told us that demand for his water softeners was so high that he just couldn’t get out to people’s houses fast enough---so if we bought the water softener that very evening, he’d give us a discount and a sign to put on the lawn that would qualify us for another discount.

Having learned about supply and demand, I commented that perhaps he needed to raise his prices. He chose not to respond to that comment.

He went on to tell us that we were already paying for the water softener because of the wear-and-tear of hard water, so we might as well sign here and get our free vacation voucher and year’s supply of soap. How could we refuse such an offer?

Refusal was made ever so much easier when he used his portable softener to actually soften some of our water. He had us taste the newly-softened water, confident that its flavor would send us salivating to the contract to enter years of debt for soft-water deliciousness.

It tasted terrible. As we both grimaced, he smiled at us and said, “Isn’t it great?” We tried to say yes but it came out more like “Guccch.”

Then he tried showing us how revolting our own water is by doing an experiment with our water and his wonderful softened water. He dumped some soap in both samples and stirred it up, making frothy bubble water. The bubbles quickly went away in “our” water, and the bubbles in “his” water stayed frothy throughout the remainder of his presentation. “Look at that! It’s still bubbly!” We were supposed to be impressed, but we really didn’t see the point of his experiment.

Turns out we didn’t buy the water softener. Not even a $600 at a home improvement center. And life goes on, hard water and all.

The other salesman who got into our house was the Carnivorous Man. He came on Labor Day with big talk of juicy hamburgers and lean steaks, and I politely asked if he had a menu or a brochure.

That was my mistake. He took it as an invitation and ran back to his truck to grab a huge box with several layers of frozen meat, which he set up on the table and proceeded to show us piece by piece, praising each for its leanness and superior quality to every other piece of meat in existence.

I never actually figured out how much meat he was trying to sell us, or for how much money, but he fully expected us to give him at least $297* for all of the meat he could shove in our freezer. He even pulled out a calculator and showed us how, by buying his meat, we would only spend about $2.50 per day on meat, whereas right now we were obviously paying at least $50-60 per week at the grocery store on beef alone, right? (“Uhhh…” I said to that one).

This carnivorous man, carried away in his own excitement, was so completely taken aback by our “We’re not interested” that he packed up his meat without another word, leaving an eerie atmosphere of anger and resentment in his wake. It was so uncomfortable that I pretended to hear the baby making noises across the house so I could go skulk in the hall until he left. I heard Rob ask for the man’s card, just to make him feel better I guess, and the man grumbled, “You should buy it right now. It will never be this cheap again!”

I find it very hard to believe the salesman was trying to do us any favors by selling his meat at the cheapest price ever. I rather believe he was trying to ensnare us with steaks and fillets and patties on one of the biggest BBQ days of the year. He even offered a long-term payment plan. Can you imagine going into debt for steak?

Mmmm… steak….

But I’ll not plunk down several hundred dollars for a freezer full of meat from the Carnivorous Man! Even if his meat is several grades above what you’ll find in the stores! (“Did you ever have a steak from Wal-Mart? Terrible, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Uhhh…” we said.)

So now when a solicitor comes to the door, I will remember these two men, and kindly shriek “GO AWAY YOU DEMON AND NEVER RETURN!!!!”

I will delight in watching them run.

But by all means, if you’re a solicitor, please come to my door and tell me to buy your product.

(If you read this, please leave a comment so I know I'm not the only one who ever visits this site...)

Happy Birthday, Rob!

Today was Robert's 31st birthday!

Huzzah!

Due to technological stupidity (meaning technology was stupid, not me), we were unable to take any pictures of Rob on this special day.

But he had a great day:
-Eggs and bacon and toast and orange juice for breakfast, made by a groggy and slightly disheveled wife
-Warm ham and cheese sandwich, chips, and enormous cookie for lunch, purchased at work
-An hour to himself while children napped or finished the school day so his wife could go to the doctor and get 3 stabs with needles
-Golden Corral with fresh rolls and honey butter for dinner
-NO chocolate cupcakes because his tummy was too full from previous line
-Presents!!! (tools, candy, woodworking book, clothes, and a gift card to Hobby Lobby, which he spent on jewelry-making supplies for me)

He even cleaned up after Amy pooped in the bathtub while bathing with her brothers. I suppose that is what makes it a great day for me.......

So Happy Birthday to Rob! What a great guy! : )

Chase-ing Life

Oh, Summer, where is your sting? 'Twould seem Mother Nature has finally gotten out the can of summer spray and is ending your tyrannical reign. I delight in watching you writhe in agony, desperately trying to cling to your pathetic muggy existence, but you are dying and I am happy.

The demise of summer marks the cleansing from the streets of myriad children, leaving adults free to go out without fear of being run over by some kid running wild with the delirium of the season. One of theses such children happens to be my own son Tanner, who is now facing nearly a decade and a half of SCHOOL. On August 17 wee little Tanner donned his backpack (actually my backpack and then Rob's backpack from college), toted his lunch, and smiled for the camera before being hauled off to his first day of state-sponsored torture. I think, however, that the torture part doesn't really apply to kindergarteners. He seems to enjoy school, even if he is extra weepy thus far. He needs to get used to the rigorous schedule.


Tanner being gone during the day leaves me with only two small children, and what a luxury that has been! Did I once consider two children to be a handful? Pah! Kevin and Amy get along well, if only Kevin would leave Amy's hair alone. She has beautiful golden curls that have inspired me to actually start a hobby: Hair bows! I make clippies for her hair with ribbons and flowers and any sparkly things that suit my fancy. Pictured below is one such creation. From this angle it looks a little like a creepy tarantula on her head, but trust me, it's a lovely flower with a jeweled pink center.

Shortly after school started we packed up for an overnighter in Oklahoma City so Rob and I could take turns going to the temple. Interestingly enough, it was during Rob's turn inside that Tanner decided to throw up in the temple waiting room. Rob overheard the temple workers talking about some kid that threw up downstairs, but Rob, being carried away with his spiritual experience, never once considered that that poor kid was his own and that that poor kid's mom was his own pregnant wife.

Here's a shot of the kids outside the temple. Notice Tanner's pale face (this is pre-barfing) and Kevin's hand pulling Amy's hair. We feared Tanner may have caught something at school, but it proved to be a one-time, just-for-mommy kind of thing. : )

Another end-of-summer adventure was the continuance of the hair cycle: I had been wearing my hair in a messy bun for weeks and decided it was time to chop it again. I was pleased with the result. Also, I used a gift from my mother-in-law to get new sleeves on a not-quite-modest-enough dress, and wore that with my new haircut to receive more compliments than I've ever received on a single Sunday. Huzzah!

August was also the most expensive month we've had since moving here (and therefore, the most expensive month we've had ever). We decided to have some work done in the basement (see previous post) and shortly after making the Big Payment to our contractor, Rob got released from the Bishopric. I had always suspected that our blessings for Rob's service were blessings of omission: bad things weren't happening because he was in the Bishopric. Within three weeks of his release we had spent over $900 on car repairs. Amazingly, two Sundays after his release we were all ready to go to church only to find a flat tire on the van and a dead battery in the other car. Rob changed his clothes to stick on the spare and we arrived just after the sacrament.

(This is precisely why I never asked for Rob's release---I knew this would happen.) (He was instantly made Young Men's president, and we're not seeing much difference except he can sit with us in Sacrament meeting now.)

Anyway, the work on the basement is done for now (translate: we have spent enough on the basement for now) and we are enjoying our two new rooms. One for food storage and tornado preparedness:

And one for Rob's laptop and calling-related materials and my crafting table:

It's all still rather a mess, and the carpet is a big old remnant from Lowes that doesn't actually cover the whole floor, but we have sprayed for bugs and painted the walls and the rooms are ever so much more delightful than they were when they were unfinished and full of Rob's tools, which have no been banished to the garage (One step closer to the garbage can, as he says with fear in his voice).

So now we look forward to September and lower house payments from our refinance and hopefully replenishing some of what we lost in August.

The kids are healthy, the wee girl in my tummy wiggles with reassuring regularity, and life continues. And, mercifully, this blog post doesn't.