Solicitors

When I am at home with my family, it goes without saying that I want people to ring my doorbell and tell me to buy things from them. Because it would certainly never occur to me to go out to a store if there was something I needed or wanted. No, I need salespeople to come to me and use their tried-and-true tactics to tell me what I need and why I have to buy it right now (before I have time to research a cheaper way to obtain it or before I realize I don’t actually need it at all).

Two salesmen are immortalized in my memory. Actually, these are the only two salesmen that have gotten into my house. The first of the two was the first salesman to come by after Rob and I moved here, and he taught us quite well that we never wanted a salesman in our house again.

He used all sorts of tactics to get us to buy a $5000 water softener. He told us that demand for his water softeners was so high that he just couldn’t get out to people’s houses fast enough---so if we bought the water softener that very evening, he’d give us a discount and a sign to put on the lawn that would qualify us for another discount.

Having learned about supply and demand, I commented that perhaps he needed to raise his prices. He chose not to respond to that comment.

He went on to tell us that we were already paying for the water softener because of the wear-and-tear of hard water, so we might as well sign here and get our free vacation voucher and year’s supply of soap. How could we refuse such an offer?

Refusal was made ever so much easier when he used his portable softener to actually soften some of our water. He had us taste the newly-softened water, confident that its flavor would send us salivating to the contract to enter years of debt for soft-water deliciousness.

It tasted terrible. As we both grimaced, he smiled at us and said, “Isn’t it great?” We tried to say yes but it came out more like “Guccch.”

Then he tried showing us how revolting our own water is by doing an experiment with our water and his wonderful softened water. He dumped some soap in both samples and stirred it up, making frothy bubble water. The bubbles quickly went away in “our” water, and the bubbles in “his” water stayed frothy throughout the remainder of his presentation. “Look at that! It’s still bubbly!” We were supposed to be impressed, but we really didn’t see the point of his experiment.

Turns out we didn’t buy the water softener. Not even a $600 at a home improvement center. And life goes on, hard water and all.

The other salesman who got into our house was the Carnivorous Man. He came on Labor Day with big talk of juicy hamburgers and lean steaks, and I politely asked if he had a menu or a brochure.

That was my mistake. He took it as an invitation and ran back to his truck to grab a huge box with several layers of frozen meat, which he set up on the table and proceeded to show us piece by piece, praising each for its leanness and superior quality to every other piece of meat in existence.

I never actually figured out how much meat he was trying to sell us, or for how much money, but he fully expected us to give him at least $297* for all of the meat he could shove in our freezer. He even pulled out a calculator and showed us how, by buying his meat, we would only spend about $2.50 per day on meat, whereas right now we were obviously paying at least $50-60 per week at the grocery store on beef alone, right? (“Uhhh…” I said to that one).

This carnivorous man, carried away in his own excitement, was so completely taken aback by our “We’re not interested” that he packed up his meat without another word, leaving an eerie atmosphere of anger and resentment in his wake. It was so uncomfortable that I pretended to hear the baby making noises across the house so I could go skulk in the hall until he left. I heard Rob ask for the man’s card, just to make him feel better I guess, and the man grumbled, “You should buy it right now. It will never be this cheap again!”

I find it very hard to believe the salesman was trying to do us any favors by selling his meat at the cheapest price ever. I rather believe he was trying to ensnare us with steaks and fillets and patties on one of the biggest BBQ days of the year. He even offered a long-term payment plan. Can you imagine going into debt for steak?

Mmmm… steak….

But I’ll not plunk down several hundred dollars for a freezer full of meat from the Carnivorous Man! Even if his meat is several grades above what you’ll find in the stores! (“Did you ever have a steak from Wal-Mart? Terrible, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Uhhh…” we said.)

So now when a solicitor comes to the door, I will remember these two men, and kindly shriek “GO AWAY YOU DEMON AND NEVER RETURN!!!!”

I will delight in watching them run.

But by all means, if you’re a solicitor, please come to my door and tell me to buy your product.

(If you read this, please leave a comment so I know I'm not the only one who ever visits this site...)